Yes, it gets tricky – because she doesn’t just withdraw – she also protests. It is disorganizing
for us as therapists to hold and manage that – the confusion and disorganization. One minute hiding the next attacking.
It sounds like she experiences you as trying to protect her at times, which she doesn’t like, it can send her the message you don’t see her as capable. And perhaps she is also longing for him to care about what she wants and to have a voice. You’ll have to check that out.
Some of those pot shots we can absorb, if they are little and infrequent. If they happen after a big
one, like saying she doesn’t like coming, much more difficult and we’re then more easily thrown off.
If you experience that on a regular basis with this couple then yes, getting some supervision would be very helpful. If not video tape, audio is good. Or video that points at their legs/feet. It can give them some anonymity and still provide some non-verbals.
When she throws out those quips, that’s a time to slow down and see what that’s about. With withdrawers organizing, zooming out often helps, with pursuers going in close, zooming in to be with their felt experience. If she is disorganized empathizing through your person such as “I get that, it’s like you heard….” normalizes and increases attunement at the same time- so meets both the needs for organization (zoom out) and the need for close connection. Does that make sense?
Sometimes, as process observers, we get lost. We can lose our way in the room, for a variety of reasons.
Perhaps the process we’re observing and reflecting is disorganized or complex.
Or maybe we our alliance with one partner is a bit off.
Perhaps their story is too close to our own.
Or, we just might not know what to do next to be the most helpful.
If you’re thrown off, what do you do?
This is really important as an EFT Therapist.
If you don’t know what to do in those moments, you can try doing what I do and that will help you create your own version of what to do, because ultimately being authentically engaged in the process is key.
When I get thrown out of attunement, here’s what I do:
- As soon as I recognize it, I say, “let’s stop for a second guys, this feels really important (IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT WHEN I’M TRIGGERED OR LOST) I need to figure out where we are.”
- Then I breathe, I actually take a couple seconds and consciously breathe,
- Then I start reflecting the process that just happened in the room, reviewing the past 2 or 3 responses before I got lost. For example, I say something like; “So let’s see if we can figure out what just happened. You (to one partner) J. were asking _____ and then you (to the other partner) M. said _____” and it seems something shifted right then, can you help me understand what you were hearing right there?”
The point being I have to know where I am, and connect with them if I’m going to guide the process in a way they can have an experience of connection with each other.
Our clients are astute connection detectors!
It’s really important for you to feel solid, be attuned and transparent while you’re tracking and normalizing. It creates safety and safety is key.
I was consulting with a group of supervisors on their supervision this morning (online with EFT supervisors from many different locations), and we were discussing how we experience and perceive things differently when we are triggered by shame and fear, especially when we consider vulnerably sharing or taking a risk. Just like our clients do (ey we’re all people, right?!)
Those moments of facing an attachment fear or feeling unworthy and turning towards sharing are often described as standing on the ledge.
Well, guess what the supervisors getting consultation do in this group? They courageously stand on the ledge.
They bring a video of their consulting work and get reviewed. It’s a fabulous and smart thing to do. Multi-layered as it is.
One of the group members was courageously owning a piece of appearance shame in anticipating showing a video tape of her work. Ladies, for sure, I know you can relate. Dr. Priscilla Zynda, EFT Supervisor in Denver, Colorado told her, it was okay, and then said this zinger, “It’s just distortion from the ledge.”
We were all wowed at that great summary of what happens. Distortion from the ledge.
What an important thing to remember, when we’re there meeting up with our vulnerability, when we get triggered by our fear and shame. We all get distortion from the ledge.
What does that distortion sound like? Well, everyone is different but you can watch for your self-critic (“What am I thinking, I’ll never be good enough.), experiencing a hot or hidden emotional response (frustration or numbing) or moving into action that takes you away from vulnerability (bossing or placating).
For most of us, when we become aware of our triggered response we are able to share and step into, rather than away from, our vulnerability. And with vulnerability comes connection. With connection comes movement away from the ledge. We’re safe when we’re connected.
So, here’s to more safe sharing and recognizing when you’reon the ledge.
If you have a ‘on the ledge’ distortion or experience you’d like to share, please feel free to leave your comment section below.
Jan 2012 – JMFT
I’m reminded as I read “Research on the treatment of couple distress” (JMFT, Jan 2012) what it really takes to create change in couple distress. Using the treatment model and keeping the attachment focus and working with emotion are key to creating change in couple distress.
Of course, learning to use attachment focus, access and expand emotion seem to be the hardest elements to EFT to learn. We have to be able to use the interventions of evoking and heightening emotions and creating enactments with emotional intensity to restructure the couple relationship. This can be especially difficult, but even more important, when couples are recovering from betrayals and deep injury.
We have to be able to help clients move through hot (reactive) and cold (shut-down) emotion into vulnerability and share intensive emotion with the partner, and then help the partner receive that intensity and what it means for their relationship – how important sharing and hearing vulnerability is to the healing of their bond.
Yesterday I facilitated a group of wonderful EFT therapists. It was, hmmm, what’s the right word – thrilling? Yes, it was thrilling (in a solemn kind of way) to feel the change happening in the room as these devoted therapists got more experience in staying with, reframing and creating enactments to help couples. 
If couples could know the skill these devoted EFT therapists have there would be so much more hope in marriage, so many more successful marriages and many more couples who could find healing from childhood trauma and betrayals within their own relationships. What a hopeful, helpful and meaningful profession we have as EFT Therapists. Every EFT therapy practice would be bulging with clients.
I want to encourage all of you learning EFT to focus on developing more comfortability with working with (i.e. feeling/attuning to) deep emotion, using attachment language and creating enactments. You’ll more often be thrilled and your couples will too.
I hope you’ll follow me on facebook.
Recently the NY Times posted an article by contributing author, Elizabeth Weil titled Does Couples Therapy Work? After briefly reviewing the history of couple therapy Weil emphasized the difficulty therapists face with couples. She does this in relation to presently promoting her book, No Cheating, No Dying: I had a good marriage. Then I tried to make it better.
Clearly she did her homework. Couple therapy, as a field, has not done well in helping couples. Her experience sounds typical and will resonate with many couples whose attempts to restore trust, problem solve, heal a distressed relationship and learn how to communicate deeply fall flat with less than stellar therapy, or worse, even bad marriage therapy.
The sad part of the story is, Weil doesn’t emphasize what she learned about effective marriage therapy.
She hints briefly in the article at good couple therapy, which sounds like EFT, when she says: “One of the most promising methods is based on the attachment theory of parenting: good relationships are built on secure attachments, ones that are engaged and emotionally responsive.”
The hint at EFT was a small bone, enough to indicate she did her research but not enough to change the tone of the article from one pointing out the flaws of couple therapy to one that could really help couples. And to add insult to injury, she ends the story with the idea that couple’s therapists don’t like doing couple’s therapy. This is the ending of the article: “Says Dr. Pearson of the Couples Institute: “’If you’re seeing couples, no matter what you do, you’re going to see a lot of anger and volatility. You’re going to see people fighting in your office, and that triggers a lot insecurity and doubt — all your issues from your own childhood, your own relationships. Who wants to sign up for another serving of that?’”
I do. I do! I for one, LOVE doing couples therapy and I know thousands of other therapists do. It’s rich, interesting, meaningful, and requires complex skills. I think of it like open heart surgery – there is a way it has to be done to be safe and effective, and you have to be well trained.
When you know how, it’s incredible.
There’s nothing so beautiful, tender and sweet as being with people as they open their hearts to each other, especially after experiencing deep betrayals, years of distance and distress, and unmet yearnings to be valued and loved by each other.
I’m filled with appreciation for all the couples who enter couple therapy and risk trying to improve their marriages. And I’m filled with encouragement from therapists, who I’m fortunate to be in contact with, being out there, learning effective couples therapy, getting the word out, standing up for relationships, and putting your strength and energy into what inspires them.
I’ll be in NYC leading a Hold Me Tight workshop this summer; maybe I’ll invite her over to see what Emotionally Focused Therapy is all about.
Imagine showing up for a workshop and the co-facilitator had a substitute. Yep, that was me, the substitute. You know, once you’re out of grade school substitutes aren’t really considered a good thing. For example, we groan when we go to the opera and the understudy is on. If someone gets hurt on the ball field, the sub goes in. If you can’t have what you really want, there’s a substitute. And you’re face might look like this.
Well, Friday I was the sub. And I was worried about being on the other end of those unhappy faces.
You can imagine my surprise when instead of groans and disappointed faces, the “crowd” was welcoming, encouraging and even helpful. It felt like I had a whole community of support behind me – and I did. What a treat. Even the folks who were disappointed were kind.
I think Friday, in keeping with the workshop’s theme, we found a clearing in the woods, a safe space to be connected and pull together.
I’m reminded again of how proud I am to be part of this movement, to teach and learn this powerful method, to help couples and families be strong and happy together. 
All I can say is this EFT community is amazing. I think the nicest people in the world become Emotionally Focused Therapists.
Thank you EFTers.
This weekend, at a Hold Me Tight weekend workshop I was reminded of the power of using somatic response to access the primary emotions and unmet need.
One participant described his heart being clamped down as he got in touch with the terror of facing his partner’s anger. Another turned his head and looked away, noting his childhood experience of being told over and over not to “look back.” As he brought that memory forward he realized how much he had been turning away from, including his wife. (more…)
As a frequent traveler, I have the opportunity of being in conversations with cab drivers fairly regularly. Today’s cabby spoke with pride about his large family (5 children) and his pleasure in his family and being able to provide for them. He spoke about feeling the true partnership with his wife and optimistic for his (more…)
Here are some words from Sue Johnson from the 2010 EFT Summit about what we do and don’t do as EFT therapists. It’s a wonderful review.
“EFT is kinda different. We don’t teach problem solving, we don’t sketch long family histories, we don’t coach people in skills interactions, we don’t really persuade people that there’s all kinds of reasons why they should change. What on earth is it that we focus on and care about and do in EFT then?”
“Tango is an intimate conversation, where all the non-verbal’s really count. And when it works it’s about this exquisite synchrony, it’s about coordination, openness, responsiveness, it’s sexy because sex is also about synchrony. About moving together. It moves us emotionally because we look at it and two people become one. Just as a mother and child seem to become one in play.
Alan Shore, the attachment theorist says, “Attachment is in essence the right brain regulation of the biological synchrony between organisms. This dance, let’s call it a “neuro- duet”. This is about resonance. Resonance is a term they use in physics when they talk about a sympathetic vibration between two elements that allows these two elements who were just being chaotic around each other to suddenly act in harmony. They become synchronous. They become able to almost read what the other element is gonna do and tune in and become a whole. These dancers can only do this when they feel safe together, safe, balanced, and connected. This is a beautiful dance. This is what I want to create when I do EFT.
I see us learning, getting better and better at creating this. We are trying to create this dance of love and attachment.”
If you’d like to hear Sue deliver this whole address, or any of the Summit 2010 recordings you can check them out here: Summit 2010 Session Video’s/.
